Zombie Stepmother Attacks!

Remember how I said I defeated my evil stepmother?  What is the number one rule one dealing with something evil and horrifying? Besides don't run upstairs to get away? Double tap...always double tap. Because when you don't double tap, it always comes back. 

I freaking hate zombies. They are just plain gross and annoying. They are rotting, smelly, moaning, brain-eating weirdos. So it would figure that evil stepmother would come back as one, just to annoy me.

It figures she would show up at my work...where I CANNOT carry.  Ugh...so all I had was 3 pens, a box of paper clips, stapler and staple remover. I had to try different combinations of things until I found something that works. By the way, writing sticky notes reading, "Go away zombie!" and stapling it to the zombie. Does. Not. Work. Epic Fail.

So what I wound up doing was pushing a couple of my slower co-workers in it's way. While it was busy, I stapled it to the floor and slowly took it apart with the staple remover. Totally used up my lunch hour.

So I had to keep the parts separated in various cabinets. Hopefully housekeeping won't be too thorough and somehow set her free.  I have a nasty feeling it isn't over. So, I have given myself a mani-pedi with my favorite OPI nail polish. I will clean up the mess tomorrow.

The King's Verdict

Today I was granted audience with my father, the King. No, he is not King of the Trailer Park..that is my own kingdom...mine all mine. He is more like a wise old shaman/king/leader of our small village tribe from which I hail. We were discussing the future.

 Thus my father sayeth unto me, "I doest not see thee becoming married, child."
 In surprise, I answered, "Why Father, whatever do you mean?!?!?" 
"My darling daughter, thou art 32, soon to be 33. This is past the marriageable age and I am wrought with sorrow, that thine prince will ne'er come."

Actually, we don't really talk like that. It just was kinda fun to write it that way. But, he DID say that he did not see me ever getting married because I was going to be 33 soon. I told him that it was still possible and he said, "Maybe, but prolly not." WOW.

Thanks for the vote of confidence, Dad. I didn't realize that I had become so haggardly and undesirable. I realize that I was on a Princess deadline, but didn't realize that according to my father my ticket expired already.

Well, thank God for tequila. I figure if I drink enough I could probably embalm myself. That way I can extend my expiration date. Or at the very least....get effed up enough that I don't care.  I almost miss my evil stepmother...

Anyways it is about margarita o'clock. This princess needs a pick me up...

It Has Already Been Brought

I apologize for the delay in posting...oh wait...no I don't. I am a freaking princess and I can do whatever the eff I want! Unfortunately, I had to fight my final battle with my evil stepmother. NO, my prince never showed up...the douchebag..

So in true Diznee Trailer Park Princess style, I put the hurting on that biznatch myself. I had a couple of my hard hitting, pipe slinging gurls to back me up. I also sang in some rabid prairie dogs to add a finishing touch. Everyone dismisses prairie dogs, but those little suckers are mean muthas. I spray painted them with that sparkly pink Halloween hair junk. Just to add a signature touch. If I go blinged out, then so does my posse.

In all the fairytales, evil is defeated and the princess and hero live happily ever after. Let's be realistic here people. My story is not ending. It has just begun. I am sure I will have another villain to fight and "someday my prince" will come...sure...whatevs. I am working on the prince part, but I am jonesing for another fight!!! I love getting all glammed out and curb stomping some a-hole with my bedazzled, steel-toed boots.

So heroes need not apply. It has already been brought...

Don't Piss off a Princess..

 I am beginning to wonder if the flip side to Diznee Princess is actually Diznee Villainess. Kind of like hate is the flip side of love. Because, I think that some, well most of the things that I do or think probably fall into the villainy category.
Today I lost a battle with my evil stepmother. I managed to survive with minor injuries. The thing about most princesses is that THEY never do the fighting themselves. Some "hero" has to come save them. Well I ain't got no hero. I got me and my guns.
Well, one thing about me is I may get knocked out, but when I get back up watch out now! I am gearing up for guerrilla warfare Princess style. Bedazzling my M4, combat boots and dusting myself with body glitter. Not very good for sneaking up on peeps, but I want those bitches to see me coming. I want them to say, "Hmmm whats that pretty sparkling thing way up ahead that just went ban..." Cue evil, but sexy laughter. Muwahahahahahahahahahaha!
So to all my enemies, frenemies and just plain haters...sleep with one eye open. If it sparkles.....run.

Stepmother?

I have been pondering the usual line up in a fairy tale story. There is your princess, in this case it would be me. There is your fairy godmother, charming animal characters, and prince who is yet to be determined. There is also a nemesis. More often then not, it is a stepmother.
I don't have a stepmother. However, I do know a lot of heinous bitches who could fit the bill. When I really started thinking about it, I DO know my evil stepmother.
In the stories, the evil stepmother always seems to the princess that she is kind, helpful and really cares about her. However, the stepmother always tries to kill the princess.  Good thing I carry. I love my Glock.
So evil stepmother, I know who you are and I am ready for you. Bring it beeyotch! This princess carries and has lots of ammo.

Panic at the Trailer Park!

I woke up this morning in a complete state of panic.  It wasn't because there were tornadoes. (I really don't have to worry about that because I live in the southwest.) It also wasn't because God hates trailers so much, He decided to make fire tornadoes to drive the point home. The panic was due to the fact that I realized because of the whole appletini-detox incident, I had missed my prince deadline. I am not sure what happens next. I mean, if I don't make my deadline does this mean I don't get a prince EVER!?!?!?
Then I realized that I still hadn't had a cup of coffee or my cigarette yet and that took precedence. As I was sitting outside, it occurred to me that I could probably ask for an extension, given that there had never before been a Diznee Trailer Park Princess.
I don't follow rules. I break them and then make them. If that doesn't work, then I just fake them. I think I want to drag out being a Diznee Trailer Park Princess as long as possible. I mean if I find my prince and have my happily ever after, I am out of the picture right? I become a Trailer Park Queen and that just doesn't have the same ring to it. Besides there is a guy who lives a couple of trailers down who already has that moniker and I REALLY don't want to get confused with Miss Nova Gina. Does a drag show every other Friday night.
Besides, I just reconnected with my birth Fairy Godmother and I want to extort, I mean really get to know her as much as possible. I guess  I need to do some research and find out what are my options. Is there a hand book or guidelines...sheesh. I suppose worst case scenario, there is always that magical place...the INTERNET. Click your heels, cross your fingers and wish me luck... I am gonna need it.

Singing in the Shower

Water amplifies sound. I always sing in the shower. Good acoustics. However, as with many of my various vices, I need to quit. Do you have any idea how disturbing it is to step out of the shower butt-ass nekked and have a variety of different critters in your bathroom staring at you expectantly?
The other day it was effing bees. There were bees all over the mofo.
So I did what any good Disnee princess would do. I put those bee-yotches to work! They are excellent slaves, I mean maids.  It was a little noisy, but bees are the new scrubbing bubbles. I even made cute little manacles, I mean anklets to keep those bees there.
I still sing in the shower, but now I don't have as much of an audience. It probably doesn't help that there are dead bees with tiny little chains on their legs lying all over...I need to find some other animal that will clean those up...

Stupid Appletini...

I apologize for missing a couple of days. The other day, I was sitting outside my trailer and this old bruja came to the door. She was peddling fruits and I started laughing at her. "Do I look like I eat fruit woman?", I said.  She peered at me, (at least I think she did, she was a bit wall-eyed) and said, "Hmmmm well how about a drink? I make a mean appletini." It was all over from there.
It was so shiny and glisteny and the perfect green. She even put chunks of REAL apple in it...so delish. So I chugged it like it had the cure for cancer. Well, I guess you know what happened next. I got reeeallly drunk. I don't know what that old bag put in that 'tini, but WHOOOOOOO.
 It was better than that roofie coloda that guy gave me at the bar. He was pretty pissed, because I kept slamming them and I closed the bar out. He offered me a ride home and I told him not to worry because I had a chauffeur.  (Fairy godmother insisted she change one of the prairie dogs into a driver,when she heard I was going out.) Apparently, the drinks were supposed to knock me out or something. Makes me laugh.
Anyways, I digress.  Well, the old woman kept staring at me like something was supposed to happen. She started to piss me off, because while I am not one to turn down free drinks, I don't appreciate someone trying to stick a funnel in my mouth and pour straight vodka down my throat. I think she may have been a couple of tacos short of a combo meal.
Well, I had to fight her off and in the process she got hurt. Bitch whipped out a cell phone and called the cops. Cops tested my blood-alcohol level. It probably would have been easier to test how much blood I had instead of how much alcohol I had in my system. Alcohol-blood level.....hahahahahaha. I crack myself up. So they carted her off to jail and I had to go to detox for a couple of days. Now I am back. I have so much more to write about, but I really need to get some animals in here to clean this trailer. <<singing>>  They tried to make me go to rehab, I said no, no, no....

Morale of the story: Appletini's are stupid. I am sticking with margaritas from here on out.

Shout out!

I would like to give a shout out to my friend Danielle. She is the amazing artist who designed my profile picture. She is a fabulous artist and needs to be pimped. Consider yo'self pimped Danielle. Grazie, danke schoen, merci and thank you thank you thank you from the bottom of my heart!! Everyone should check out her site.
http://artsource-danielle.blogspot.com/

Are You My Fairy Godmother?

Dear Fairy Godmother,

You do not know who I am. I am your princess godchild. You gave me up at birth and when I found out that I was a Disnee Trailer Park Princess, I started looking for you. I sang out my trailer door for about 6 hours until the animals tearfully begged me to stfu. I told them I would sing down their burrows and climb their damn trees and sing into their nests if they didn't get off their lazy asses and help me find you.
So here I am! Aren't you excited? I am sooo excited to finally have contacted you. All I want is for my real fairy godmother to be a part of my life. We have so much to catch up on.
 I let the weeds grow extra high in front of my trailer so that you could turn them into a Ford F150 on a lift kit. Don't worry about turning any vermin into a driver. I can drive the damn thing myself. Also, don't worry about changing my clothes into designer crap. I will settle for just using your credit card.
The way I look at it, you owe me back princess godchild support. I have been without you for thirty some odd years. It hasn't been easy by any means. I'm sure you had your reasons for giving me up, but I am by nature very forgiving.
 I hope to hear from you soon. I take back what I said about using your credit card. I would prefer a cashiers check or cash.

Hugs and Kisses,
Princess Slinkerbelle

P.S. Do you ever take hit jobs?  Just kidding, but not really. Let me know.

The Prince Factor

With my new found self realization, came a sense of overwhelming sadness. If I am turning into a Disney Princess that means that I have x amount of time to find my Prince. This depresses me. Why do I have to find a Prince? Isn't it enough that I have kissed numerous frogs who just turned out to be horny toads? All my knights in shining armor were really just retards with tin foil and small (ahem) jousting sticks.
I told the Beast that I loved him and you know what? Still hairy with bad breath. Of course, there was the dumb ass who tried to kiss me when I was choking on an apple, instead of giving me the Heimlich. Nice. Oh and we can't forget the guy who came looking for me because I left a shoe behind at his party. Turns out he was a drag queen and wanted to know where I got them at.
My favorite is of course the time when I traded in my voice to that nasty old bag for a set of legs. Turns out, I should have asked for a nice rack instead. Well, I am truly at a loss because it seems I have pretty much gone through the list and if I go by fairytale time frame, I have exactly 3-5 days to find this dude. Wish me luck or tell that late ass fairy godmother to get on over here.

The Beginning...

It all started one fabulous morning in the trailer park. The sun was just coming up and I was sitting on my back stairs smoking my cigarette and drinking my cup of coffee. I had noticed that almost every morning two bunnies would come and just stare at me. That particular morning, however, a hummingbird came and just hovered in front of me for about a minute or so. It was then that I had an epiphany. I was turning into a Disney Princess!
Of course, most Disney princesses are not (cough) over thirty. They usually don't smoke, wear black silk robes outside to smoke or live in a trailer. But with the recession and economy it's a whole new woooooorllld!!! See? I can already incorporate songs into my life. I haven't tried singing out my window to see if coyotes and javelina come with mops and Pledge to clean my house, but it is worth a shot.
Anyways, I need to go turn the Christmas lights off on my front porch. Yes, I am aware it isn't Christmas but  it beats taking up and down every year.

Slinkerbelle