Dear Fairy Godmother,
You do not know who I am. I am your princess godchild. You gave me up at birth and when I found out that I was a Disnee Trailer Park Princess, I started looking for you. I sang out my trailer door for about 6 hours until the animals tearfully begged me to stfu. I told them I would sing down their burrows and climb their damn trees and sing into their nests if they didn't get off their lazy asses and help me find you.
So here I am! Aren't you excited? I am sooo excited to finally have contacted you. All I want is for my real fairy godmother to be a part of my life. We have so much to catch up on.
I let the weeds grow extra high in front of my trailer so that you could turn them into a Ford F150 on a lift kit. Don't worry about turning any vermin into a driver. I can drive the damn thing myself. Also, don't worry about changing my clothes into designer crap. I will settle for just using your credit card.
The way I look at it, you owe me back princess godchild support. I have been without you for thirty some odd years. It hasn't been easy by any means. I'm sure you had your reasons for giving me up, but I am by nature very forgiving.
I hope to hear from you soon. I take back what I said about using your credit card. I would prefer a cashiers check or cash.
Hugs and Kisses,
P.S. Do you ever take hit jobs? Just kidding, but not really. Let me know.