Sunday, August 22, 2010

Stupid Appletini...

I apologize for missing a couple of days. The other day, I was sitting outside my trailer and this old bruja came to the door. She was peddling fruits and I started laughing at her. "Do I look like I eat fruit woman?", I said.  She peered at me, (at least I think she did, she was a bit wall-eyed) and said, "Hmmmm well how about a drink? I make a mean appletini." It was all over from there.
It was so shiny and glisteny and the perfect green. She even put chunks of REAL apple in delish. So I chugged it like it had the cure for cancer. Well, I guess you know what happened next. I got reeeallly drunk. I don't know what that old bag put in that 'tini, but WHOOOOOOO.
 It was better than that roofie coloda that guy gave me at the bar. He was pretty pissed, because I kept slamming them and I closed the bar out. He offered me a ride home and I told him not to worry because I had a chauffeur.  (Fairy godmother insisted she change one of the prairie dogs into a driver,when she heard I was going out.) Apparently, the drinks were supposed to knock me out or something. Makes me laugh.
Anyways, I digress.  Well, the old woman kept staring at me like something was supposed to happen. She started to piss me off, because while I am not one to turn down free drinks, I don't appreciate someone trying to stick a funnel in my mouth and pour straight vodka down my throat. I think she may have been a couple of tacos short of a combo meal.
Well, I had to fight her off and in the process she got hurt. Bitch whipped out a cell phone and called the cops. Cops tested my blood-alcohol level. It probably would have been easier to test how much blood I had instead of how much alcohol I had in my system. Alcohol-blood level.....hahahahahaha. I crack myself up. So they carted her off to jail and I had to go to detox for a couple of days. Now I am back. I have so much more to write about, but I really need to get some animals in here to clean this trailer. <<singing>>  They tried to make me go to rehab, I said no, no, no....

Morale of the story: Appletini's are stupid. I am sticking with margaritas from here on out.

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