Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Zombie Stepmother Attacks!

Remember how I said I defeated my evil stepmother?  What is the number one rule one dealing with something evil and horrifying? Besides don't run upstairs to get away? Double tap...always double tap. Because when you don't double tap, it always comes back. 

I freaking hate zombies. They are just plain gross and annoying. They are rotting, smelly, moaning, brain-eating weirdos. So it would figure that evil stepmother would come back as one, just to annoy me.

It figures she would show up at my work...where I CANNOT carry. all I had was 3 pens, a box of paper clips, stapler and staple remover. I had to try different combinations of things until I found something that works. By the way, writing sticky notes reading, "Go away zombie!" and stapling it to the zombie. Does. Not. Work. Epic Fail.

So what I wound up doing was pushing a couple of my slower co-workers in it's way. While it was busy, I stapled it to the floor and slowly took it apart with the staple remover. Totally used up my lunch hour.

So I had to keep the parts separated in various cabinets. Hopefully housekeeping won't be too thorough and somehow set her free.  I have a nasty feeling it isn't over. So, I have given myself a mani-pedi with my favorite OPI nail polish. I will clean up the mess tomorrow.

Monday, September 6, 2010

The King's Verdict

Today I was granted audience with my father, the King. No, he is not King of the Trailer Park..that is my own kingdom...mine all mine. He is more like a wise old shaman/king/leader of our small village tribe from which I hail. We were discussing the future.

 Thus my father sayeth unto me, "I doest not see thee becoming married, child."
 In surprise, I answered, "Why Father, whatever do you mean?!?!?" 
"My darling daughter, thou art 32, soon to be 33. This is past the marriageable age and I am wrought with sorrow, that thine prince will ne'er come."

Actually, we don't really talk like that. It just was kinda fun to write it that way. But, he DID say that he did not see me ever getting married because I was going to be 33 soon. I told him that it was still possible and he said, "Maybe, but prolly not." WOW.

Thanks for the vote of confidence, Dad. I didn't realize that I had become so haggardly and undesirable. I realize that I was on a Princess deadline, but didn't realize that according to my father my ticket expired already.

Well, thank God for tequila. I figure if I drink enough I could probably embalm myself. That way I can extend my expiration date. Or at the very least....get effed up enough that I don't care.  I almost miss my evil stepmother...

Anyways it is about margarita o'clock. This princess needs a pick me up...

Sunday, September 5, 2010

It Has Already Been Brought

I apologize for the delay in posting...oh I don't. I am a freaking princess and I can do whatever the eff I want! Unfortunately, I had to fight my final battle with my evil stepmother. NO, my prince never showed up...the douchebag..

So in true Diznee Trailer Park Princess style, I put the hurting on that biznatch myself. I had a couple of my hard hitting, pipe slinging gurls to back me up. I also sang in some rabid prairie dogs to add a finishing touch. Everyone dismisses prairie dogs, but those little suckers are mean muthas. I spray painted them with that sparkly pink Halloween hair junk. Just to add a signature touch. If I go blinged out, then so does my posse.

In all the fairytales, evil is defeated and the princess and hero live happily ever after. Let's be realistic here people. My story is not ending. It has just begun. I am sure I will have another villain to fight and "someday my prince" will come...sure...whatevs. I am working on the prince part, but I am jonesing for another fight!!! I love getting all glammed out and curb stomping some a-hole with my bedazzled, steel-toed boots.

So heroes need not apply. It has already been brought...