Zombie Stepmother Attacks!

Remember how I said I defeated my evil stepmother?  What is the number one rule one dealing with something evil and horrifying? Besides don't run upstairs to get away? Double tap...always double tap. Because when you don't double tap, it always comes back. 

I freaking hate zombies. They are just plain gross and annoying. They are rotting, smelly, moaning, brain-eating weirdos. So it would figure that evil stepmother would come back as one, just to annoy me.

It figures she would show up at my work...where I CANNOT carry.  Ugh...so all I had was 3 pens, a box of paper clips, stapler and staple remover. I had to try different combinations of things until I found something that works. By the way, writing sticky notes reading, "Go away zombie!" and stapling it to the zombie. Does. Not. Work. Epic Fail.

So what I wound up doing was pushing a couple of my slower co-workers in it's way. While it was busy, I stapled it to the floor and slowly took it apart with the staple remover. Totally used up my lunch hour.

So I had to keep the parts separated in various cabinets. Hopefully housekeeping won't be too thorough and somehow set her free.  I have a nasty feeling it isn't over. So, I have given myself a mani-pedi with my favorite OPI nail polish. I will clean up the mess tomorrow.

The King's Verdict

Today I was granted audience with my father, the King. No, he is not King of the Trailer Park..that is my own kingdom...mine all mine. He is more like a wise old shaman/king/leader of our small village tribe from which I hail. We were discussing the future.

 Thus my father sayeth unto me, "I doest not see thee becoming married, child."
 In surprise, I answered, "Why Father, whatever do you mean?!?!?" 
"My darling daughter, thou art 32, soon to be 33. This is past the marriageable age and I am wrought with sorrow, that thine prince will ne'er come."

Actually, we don't really talk like that. It just was kinda fun to write it that way. But, he DID say that he did not see me ever getting married because I was going to be 33 soon. I told him that it was still possible and he said, "Maybe, but prolly not." WOW.

Thanks for the vote of confidence, Dad. I didn't realize that I had become so haggardly and undesirable. I realize that I was on a Princess deadline, but didn't realize that according to my father my ticket expired already.

Well, thank God for tequila. I figure if I drink enough I could probably embalm myself. That way I can extend my expiration date. Or at the very least....get effed up enough that I don't care.  I almost miss my evil stepmother...

Anyways it is about margarita o'clock. This princess needs a pick me up...

It Has Already Been Brought

I apologize for the delay in posting...oh wait...no I don't. I am a freaking princess and I can do whatever the eff I want! Unfortunately, I had to fight my final battle with my evil stepmother. NO, my prince never showed up...the douchebag..

So in true Diznee Trailer Park Princess style, I put the hurting on that biznatch myself. I had a couple of my hard hitting, pipe slinging gurls to back me up. I also sang in some rabid prairie dogs to add a finishing touch. Everyone dismisses prairie dogs, but those little suckers are mean muthas. I spray painted them with that sparkly pink Halloween hair junk. Just to add a signature touch. If I go blinged out, then so does my posse.

In all the fairytales, evil is defeated and the princess and hero live happily ever after. Let's be realistic here people. My story is not ending. It has just begun. I am sure I will have another villain to fight and "someday my prince" will come...sure...whatevs. I am working on the prince part, but I am jonesing for another fight!!! I love getting all glammed out and curb stomping some a-hole with my bedazzled, steel-toed boots.

So heroes need not apply. It has already been brought...

Don't Piss off a Princess..

 I am beginning to wonder if the flip side to Diznee Princess is actually Diznee Villainess. Kind of like hate is the flip side of love. Because, I think that some, well most of the things that I do or think probably fall into the villainy category.
Today I lost a battle with my evil stepmother. I managed to survive with minor injuries. The thing about most princesses is that THEY never do the fighting themselves. Some "hero" has to come save them. Well I ain't got no hero. I got me and my guns.
Well, one thing about me is I may get knocked out, but when I get back up watch out now! I am gearing up for guerrilla warfare Princess style. Bedazzling my M4, combat boots and dusting myself with body glitter. Not very good for sneaking up on peeps, but I want those bitches to see me coming. I want them to say, "Hmmm whats that pretty sparkling thing way up ahead that just went ban..." Cue evil, but sexy laughter. Muwahahahahahahahahahaha!
So to all my enemies, frenemies and just plain haters...sleep with one eye open. If it sparkles.....run.

Stepmother?

I have been pondering the usual line up in a fairy tale story. There is your princess, in this case it would be me. There is your fairy godmother, charming animal characters, and prince who is yet to be determined. There is also a nemesis. More often then not, it is a stepmother.
I don't have a stepmother. However, I do know a lot of heinous bitches who could fit the bill. When I really started thinking about it, I DO know my evil stepmother.
In the stories, the evil stepmother always seems to the princess that she is kind, helpful and really cares about her. However, the stepmother always tries to kill the princess.  Good thing I carry. I love my Glock.
So evil stepmother, I know who you are and I am ready for you. Bring it beeyotch! This princess carries and has lots of ammo.

Panic at the Trailer Park!

I woke up this morning in a complete state of panic.  It wasn't because there were tornadoes. (I really don't have to worry about that because I live in the southwest.) It also wasn't because God hates trailers so much, He decided to make fire tornadoes to drive the point home. The panic was due to the fact that I realized because of the whole appletini-detox incident, I had missed my prince deadline. I am not sure what happens next. I mean, if I don't make my deadline does this mean I don't get a prince EVER!?!?!?
Then I realized that I still hadn't had a cup of coffee or my cigarette yet and that took precedence. As I was sitting outside, it occurred to me that I could probably ask for an extension, given that there had never before been a Diznee Trailer Park Princess.
I don't follow rules. I break them and then make them. If that doesn't work, then I just fake them. I think I want to drag out being a Diznee Trailer Park Princess as long as possible. I mean if I find my prince and have my happily ever after, I am out of the picture right? I become a Trailer Park Queen and that just doesn't have the same ring to it. Besides there is a guy who lives a couple of trailers down who already has that moniker and I REALLY don't want to get confused with Miss Nova Gina. Does a drag show every other Friday night.
Besides, I just reconnected with my birth Fairy Godmother and I want to extort, I mean really get to know her as much as possible. I guess  I need to do some research and find out what are my options. Is there a hand book or guidelines...sheesh. I suppose worst case scenario, there is always that magical place...the INTERNET. Click your heels, cross your fingers and wish me luck... I am gonna need it.

Singing in the Shower

Water amplifies sound. I always sing in the shower. Good acoustics. However, as with many of my various vices, I need to quit. Do you have any idea how disturbing it is to step out of the shower butt-ass nekked and have a variety of different critters in your bathroom staring at you expectantly?
The other day it was effing bees. There were bees all over the mofo.
So I did what any good Disnee princess would do. I put those bee-yotches to work! They are excellent slaves, I mean maids.  It was a little noisy, but bees are the new scrubbing bubbles. I even made cute little manacles, I mean anklets to keep those bees there.
I still sing in the shower, but now I don't have as much of an audience. It probably doesn't help that there are dead bees with tiny little chains on their legs lying all over...I need to find some other animal that will clean those up...